So I figured I would start blogging. To pass time, as a creative outlet, whatever. Blatant honesty is key here in this blog, Im trying to examine life in its cold realism, and will build off that outlook here.
A first post should give you an intro of what this blog is going to be all about. What better intro than an abbreviated version of my life story, goals, and beliefs? That way, when you see me post something, and you would like to poke into the deep psychology of my statements, you can come back to this post, and work from the foundation up, to the words you read minutes ago. If that made any sense. Anyway, so we begin.
1994, Long beach California. The renaissance fair is in full swing. Knights in armor, all that. My mom worked there. Somewhere along the way she met a man, capable of pleasuring her (and impregnating her). Seeing pleasure over pregnancy, they had themselves a Renaissance fair romp, and so my life began. During her pregnancy my mother saw many concerts (Grateful dead, Elvis Costello, Pink Floyd to name a few)
May 24, Im born. Yay. My dad leaves, dont know the details there. 3 weeks later, when my mom feels ready to fly, Me, her, and my grandma head to my grandmothers home in North Carolina. Sweet. So Im living in this rich ass house in the south. Seems like a rap star's dream.
But not quite. My mom needed to work, for college (Which she later dropped out of), so she left me with my grandmother. Dont get me wrong, I love my grandparents, but they were really strict, in retrospect, and being left with them caused problems. More later.
We stay down in NC for a few years, then in July of 1999 we move up to New York, so my grandma can be closer to her mother. My actual mom stayed in carolina.
I live with them in Westernville (3 miles from my current home) until my grandparents, after 27 years of marriage, divorce. I remember the night exactly. Anyway, by then my mom was back in New York, with a college degree in dropping out. She was with this guy. Alright, love is good, but I knew something was up, the guy was cool, but I felt a "Disturbance in the force". So, I move in with them, 3 miles up the road, where I live right now.
If that hadnt happened, I wouldnt be in Holland Patent schools right now. Anyway, I felt displaced. The people that had really raised me as a child were split up completely. My mom, who I only sort-of knew, was raising me, with a man I didnt know at all. I felt alone, like a house without a foundation. And I still feel that way.
She married that man, Jeff Barbato. The wedding was fun. The years to follow would not prove to be as enjoyable. That man had a degree in Criminology, and used me as his study tool, to keep up on his skills. He interrogated me constantly, started fights over literally nothing, and prided himself in knowing exactly how to bring me or my mother to tears. My mom, neck-deep in denial, is, to this day blind to this. Few real men would agree with Jeff on how a lady ought to be treated (Except, like, Chris Brown).
I would tell him my dreams, and the different ideas in spirituality, politics, and economics I had, and he would listen, pause, and proceed to spew insults at me, saying I was foolish, and too young to have any worthy thoughts at all. While I did say some ridiculous things, I didnt at all deserve the ridicule I got from him, especially in one of the most touchy, sensitive parts of my life.
First, I learned to not value security. That every brick of your foundation can be ripped up in a second, so stability was a pointless venture. I learned that from my grandparents/mom. Then, I learned that not everyone values me, and that there are people that are naturally despicable, violent, hateful people. I learned that from Jeff.
So I shyed away from them, for the most part. I started smoking weed, listening to different music, and reading all sorts of new, interesting information. I figured that if no one else is going to raise me right, I might as well school myself, build my own morals and ideas, and forget about the rest.
I could write more, and I might later, but Im starting to draw this out. Bookmark this!!
